Sometimes I look myself in the mirror, and think I do not deserve to be happy, I am too damaged, too worn by life, too sad.

But then I think of all those people that have, are, will suffer because of how cruel the world is… And think I want them to be happy, they should be happy, they deserve to be happy.

And then I look at myself again, take a deep breath… Look again really hard….at those sad eyes, the dark bags under them, the pale skin, and think - question, why shouldn’t you deserve to be happy too?

When I was ten, my mum noticed 2 small moles on my back. She told me that it will cause me great turmoil, as in Chinese mythology or something, having moles in that position, means that I will always have something holding me back or I will lack the luck to succeed.

At the time, I didn’t believe her, and I still don’t completely. However at the time I thought it was stupid… as I aged, I have started to believe more in fate and that there is a guidance in life that will direct my path. And I cannot help thinking perhaps there is something hindering my ease of living.

I know that everyone is fighting there own battles alongside me fighting my inner demons, I learnt that the hard way. But after year 12, it feels like everything changed, like I am not mentally here anymore. Also that I am constantly battling some hardship that is blocking my dreams.

Maybe it is a case of “The grass is greener on the other side”… when comparing my life to others. I know I shouldn’t compare due to the fact everyone is different. But I just feel life I can never get a break from this world.

It makes it sounds like I am making excuses for not being good at anything, and perhaps a part of me remembered that talk with my mum when I was ten. Although I know in some way or another I am not reaching my potential, despite having the hard work and passion.

In my down state recently, I was curious to investigate this idea my mum revealed to me. I found some websites mentioning lack of motivation, or more describing my personality… yet this one website said: “A mole here suggests a lack of prosperity luck.”

Sometimes I truly believe I have the worst luck >.< Perhaps the Chinese know what they are talking about.

morstanlies:

all i want to do is learn stuff and not have compulsory tests on it

like

i love learning new stuff

and reading new books

but when i stress myself out to the point where i’m crying because of exams

that kinda takes the fun out of it

do you feel me